Go Ahead, Fight about Money

Jacquette M. Timmons

Some will read the title and think, “Has she lost her mind?!” When most people are providing reasons and “how-to’s” to stop fighting about money, why would Jacquette suggest otherwise?

Yes, I’m bucking conventional wisdom by putting forward the notion that fighting about money with your mate is ok. I do so because here’s the truth: Conflicts about money are inevitable! Granted, some couples will have fewer conflicts than others; but no couple gets a pass on this reality of coupledom. Therefore, it is better to embrace this truth and make it work for you than it is to avoid disagreements in a vain attempt to keep a false sense of peace.

As long as you and your mate agree to fight fairly (and this is key!), there are at least two great reasons to go ahead and fight about money. They are:

Great reason #1 – You aren’t really fighting about money.

We often mistakenly believe our fights about money are about dollars and cents, when they are really about what money represents. If you think back to your last fight about money, did your propensity to save bump against your mate’s propensity to spend…or vice versa? Did he/she make a purchase without first running the decision by you? If so, what were you more upset by -- the money spent or for being out of the loop…that is, not in control?

Great reason #2 – You get an opportunity to find common ground.

Every chance I get to remind you that money is never just about money, I will. And when you and your honey don’t see eye-to-eye it means you have some work to do with regards to gaining a deeper understanding about what money means to each of you individually and as a couple, and why? It also means coming to agreement about how you’ll use money as a tool. In other words, fights about money reveal how wide the gap is in terms of your respective thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors – those that are financially-driven as well as those that are not – and provides clues as to how you can narrow the gap.

So, don’t be afraid of the inevitable. Instead view your disagreements as an invitation to share and learn more about each other.  Ironically, in light of the above reasons, your fights about money can actually serve to strengthen your relationship.